LOVE
It is confronting if there is a struggle
and resistance, angst, abandonment, the works
leading up to the split
and then poof tension instantly releases
and it’s as if you have burned it all up.
The good and the bad don’t have equal measure. Broad measure of positives fall to a spark that set the paper lantern on fire.
Supposed striking positives
constructed from matching trauma
or whatever is laying around in the basement,
can switch to the exact opposite position on the balance beam.
Struck me that it would have been the sixtieth
of my first marriage
the other day.
I didn’t explore the idea very thoroughly…ahem.
My eighth try unraveled recently*
I say recently it will be four years
in July.
That plays in my head
every day
all through the days.
Either I’m haunted or some living part of it has survived.
I have no idea where this is leading.
Now it is hard to tell which is more stressful:
the memory of the bad things I did,
a little puzzled
at the time
because they were dressed up in costumes removed,
second and third hand
from what motivated them.
Major areas of conflict can be resolved over time
leaving issues
that never made sense
in the first place
until,
in a flash a veil is lifted
and like a scene change in a play,
the prime mover appears.
Arguing and gentle persuasion has moved into suppression and denial,
giving it time
has become
a cover for the thorny part
to skitter over
out of sight
of the initial wound.
Either I’m haunted or some living part of it has survived.
I have no idea where this is leading.
Until recently I’ve been in shock.
I felt myself come out of shock and had developed the resilience to see things in sharper detail,
which is to say on the one hand,
more painful and on the other,
given a foothold on self forgiveness,
more in touch with with the positive side.
Yesterday I felt the living impression of an embrace that occurred toward the end
or I should say toward the transition…
That sensation which feels like a visitation, remains and now has no edges, radiating from where the original somatic imprint against my body occurred.
Either I’m haunted or some living part of it has survived. I have no idea where this is leading.
